im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
