my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
