im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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