Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
