Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
