hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
