Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
