"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
well you can't waste a boner
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
