I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
