so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
