If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
