bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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