i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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