Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
