Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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