"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
