Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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