Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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