He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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