Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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