I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
