I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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