Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
