I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
