when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
