dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
