i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
