There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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