I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
