I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
