I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
