I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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