Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
