I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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