Small penises have feelings too.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
