I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
