does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
