Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
