Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He kissed a someone with a penis
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
being pregnant is like rehab
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
