i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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