Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
