she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think my moral compass just broke
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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