dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
