I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
