I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
