One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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