Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
