I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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