I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
