If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
