Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
