I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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