he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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