i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
