Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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