Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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