We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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