My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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