Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
